By Jay Kioko
Not long ago I stumbled upon a post in the group ‘Home Beautiful’ that asked members to identify one of the expensive items they had bought for their homes that had proved to be not so useful. A lady said she had bought a 6×6 bed that cost an arm and a leg and was then regretting it. The post was placed during our cold months. She lamented that she couldn’t even get cuddled by her spouse because of the distance between them in that bed. Well, that is as far as she described. All the other details are known to her😂
I once boarded a matatu during morning hours and as usual Classic 105 was in the air and the program Maina and King’ang’i was running.
Maina Kageni: Ati urisema hujaguswa for kidu 6 months.
Lady caller: Ret me terr u Maina, miezi 6 sijaguswa na si uongo?
Maina: Na mnarara kitada moja?
Lady Caller: Mmh, Ndio Maina, Msee anarara pade hire na mimi pade hii. Hapo katikati ni kama iko lift varrey…..
Maina: Kwani kitada ni kubwa aje?
Lady Caller: Maina, Kitada ni 6X6. Na sisi ni wadogo.
Maina: Na ukijaribu kutupa kamguu uone kama atageuka akaribie? 😂😂😂(Maina laughing like a zombie)
Lady Caller: Ret me terr u Maina, nimejaribu kira kitu. Unatupa kamguu lakini kanagogwa na teke ya punda.
Maina: (😂 😂 😂 Laughing uncontrollably) …Ati nini?
Lady Caller; Kamguu kanapigwa teke hata puda haina hiyo guvu ya kurusha teke namna hiyo.
Maina: …(😂😂😂Still laughing …) we are going for a commercial break…We shall continue to hear from Chiru when we come back….
King’ang’i: Weeee… Kalulu kau kakunawa teke staili sya ingoi……Ushaona funda akirusha teke?😂
Now, I grew up in the village and I think the biggest bed was for children. One 6X4 bed could accommodate 5 to 6 kids😂. The only spring bed (Vono) found in most poor homes was reserved for the parents. This was a 6X3 Vono spring bed. How couples used to accommodate a new born bay, I don’t know. 😂 😂.
This got me thinking. There were very few divorces then. I can’t even remember any couple in my village that had gotten divorced, I can’t. None. Any arising issue during the day would be sorted out at night…pronto. With a bed that left no space in between the two, there was no way couples would wake up angry at each. The bed left no space at all. Couples slept entangled, their legs and arms creating a jigsaw puzzle😂. There was no way they were going to wake up mad at each other.
When they went to bed not talking to each, morning would come and you would here;
“Yes mama Otis”
“Amka uoge nikitayarisa breakfast. Utakunywa uji na mayai?” Mama Otis would say.
“Yes Mama Otis. Si anajua mimi hiyo ndiyo anapenda”, Baba Otis would say smiling.
In the evening Baba Otis would show up at home with a fat kg of meat na khamisi ya mama😂😂😂
You see, what takes months to solve at this age could take only take one night…because of a small spring vono bed.
Now, here is my hypothesis. ‘The smaller the bed, the easier it is to solve marital conflicts.
Today, couples are sleeping on a bed that is as big as the one left behind by the late Adnan Khashoggi at Ol Pejeta Conservancy😂. On that bed, one spouse sleeps right on the edge of Kinshasa, almost falling into The Atlantic Ocean while the other one faces Mogadishu, with legs deep in the Indian Ocean. In between, it’s not even a no man’s land because nobody dares occupy it. Let’s say in between is Lucifers Kingdom😂
The bedroom is known to be venue of solving marital conflicts. With that kind of bed, conflicts that could have taken hours to solve, take months because what the Lord put together Satan is sleeping in between. 😂😂😂
*These are my own wild, lewd, imaginary thoughts that crop up while I am in a shabeen imbibing my favorite kaluvu. If they reflect any real life situation, it’s just by coincidence 😂😂😂
*And why you would have a 6×6 bed in a room measuring 7×8 while your bodies are like those of Eric Omondi and Eve Mungai beats me.😂